I'm sorry

I did not mean to hurt you. I did not mean to be so blind to my own mistakes. I did not mean to take away your freedom and happiness. I did not mean to be the way I am. I did not want to be so blind as not to see what I was doing for so long. Maybe it was not meant to be. Be what? you ask. Us. I tried, time and time again, but it seems that I end up appearing at all the wrong moments and keep buzzing and nagging you with the same old stories about my stupid wish. I'm sorry for that.
It's just that... I love you. It's just that simple. If they say that love is blind that might explain why I am too blind to see that you are better off with out me. I told you once that I refuse to stop loving you, no matter how much it hurts. Turns out it was not just hurting me, but also hurting you. I'm sorry for that too.
I never meant to be this way. I always pictured me as a calm and rational man. Always thinking three steps ahead, always calculating every move I make, up util the point I thought I had everything all planned up. Until you came into my life, or rather I came trampling into yours and messed everything up: my plans, and probably yours. I'm sorry for that too.
You told me that I angered you up until the point you thought it would have been better to never meet. I must have caused you a lot of pain to make you think that. Just to imagine life without you is impossible for me. Maybe you would have had a much simpler life, and would actually be happy with someone. But I appeared and fucked up big time. Made you feel sad, made you cry, made you angry, made you shout. I'm sorry for that too.

And while you are reading this, maybe you will get upset, and get even more angry at me. Well, like I said, I'm sorry, for everything I wronged you up until this point, and knowing me, I'm sorry for everything that I will mess up for you further, though I will try not to.

A walk, a though, a pair of eyes...

Oh boy, what a day! What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the wind is blowing gently, a perfect day for a little walk. I finished all my assignments for today, so why wouldn't I, but where and with who? Called a few friends, but they are all busy, and none could find a little time to hang around with me for a hour or so, but that doesn't matter, lately I started to enjoy just my own company, just me and my wild thoughts, running rampant from here to there, with no direction or purpose, but it's nice to see them go. That's it! I'll take a stroll through the park, near the lake, and maybe even waste some time next to the water, listening to the wind blowing and the ducks quacking. A perfect way to end a perfect day, if I may say so.

How much have I been sleeping? Must have been a hour or two, but I can't figure it out. Eh, at least I didn't fall in the water, that would have been a real bummer for the day. Let's see what's going on around here. Kids playing, pushing themselves close to the lake, mothers screaming at them to be careful, but I don't think they even hear a word they say. Such a lovely period of life, childhood, when the worries of life just didn't even notice you. As a child I didn't know about money, or if people talk me around my back or thing like this, the only thing that worried me was to wake up in the morning and head for the playground as fast as I could, sometimes even skipping breakfast. In those times, when I would come back home, mom would be waiting with a look on her face that made me knew I did something wrong, but even then I wouldn't care too much, because she would forgive me right away and serve me lunch (or dinner in the days i would be missing an entire day).

Who's that over there? I think I recognize her, but I need to take a closer look in order to identify her. Just my luck, she's coming this way, and with every step I can figure out more details.Long, light brown hair, medium height for a girl, a steady walk, she looks to be in a hurry, nicely dressed, but I still can't match the way she looks with a name, or anything for that matter. Let's pay more attention. A beautiful, face, with the hair covering a little of her forehead, no makeup by what I can tell, but I might be wrong on that one (it's hard to see on some occasions) but... That it!!! That's why I seemed to recognize her! HER EYES! How could I forget? We met a couple of months ago, a common friend introduced us. Can't remember her name, but those eyes, how could I not recognize them. Wonder if she'll recognize me. I doubt it, why would she, last time we met, she got bored after ten minutes and left. I admit, I wasn't in my best shape, but that's no excuse. There she goes, she past right by me, didn't even turn for a moment. She must have been in a hurry. God, those eyes!

Green eyes, an ocean green, I could drown myself in them. It's interesting how the human brain only needs something so small as the eyes to recognize an entire person. But it's not always the eyes. Sometimes it's the lips, other times it's the hair, sometimes it's as simple as a little touch to sent the mind racing through memories to a precise moment in space and time, and recall events that otherwise would be forgotten in a flash. But I can't think straight right now, I'm still stuck on her eyes. In history, men were able to kill one another for a pair of eyes like those. Some would wage entire wars just for another stare, and even a beggar would feel like a king for only one glance at them. They were accused as mad-men, and even I would think that it is ridiculous to do something so brutal and so barbaric just for a sensation. But here I am, thinking over and over again about her eyes. I wonder if I can recall her name. If not, I might just call her Helen (of Troy for that matter) for only this name would seem suited for such a beautiful woman. But can it be, can a lazy and somewhat rational person like me lose itself for just a pair of eyes, and be ready to bet it all for just the chance to see such eyes again? 

I don't know, but i don't care really. All I can think of is how to manage to meet her again, maybe even convince her that I'm not as boring as she thinks I am. I could follow her, see where she's going, maybe I could find a common point of interest. But that would be weird, to follow a girl when she barely knows me. Doesn't matter, I'll do it anyway, what could I possibly lose, I don't have much anyway, and in a worse case scenario, she will think me a creep and just leave. Where did she go?! Damn it! I've been daydreaming so much that I lost her. Well, at least it proves that I am indeed a lazy person, but I won't give up! I could wander around until I find her, but that could take all day and it could lead to nothing if she left already. I could wait here and see if she passes back, but i don't know if I can wait that long (oh wait, I can!). That's the plan: I'll wait for my "Helen of Troy" util she comes back, no matter how long it takes, I'll wait 'till I see her, and when I do... what will I do when I see her? I'll just play it on the moment. But what I would give to be able to see those eyes one more time...

"Hello..."

Alti ochi

Tu vezi... Te trezești dimineața in oglindă și iți admiri figura obosită, fără să mai fii văzut de prea multă vreme ceva ce să iți aducă un zâmbet. Iți admiri expresia facială și nu mai găseși absolut nimic interesant la ea. Te hotărăști și azi, ca în fiecare zi, să porți o mască. Începi să o clădești cu o serie de mișcări ce de prea multă vreme nici nu îți mai necesită atenția. Îți construiești masca de zi cu zi prin care toți te văd fericită și plină de viață, aceeași ca în fiecare zi. Dar ei nu au cum să înțeleagă ce se ascunde sub acel zâmbet sculptat din lut si ceara, acel zâmbet ce încălzește ziua celor din jurul tău, dar niciodată ziua ta.

Iar acum tu copilă, stai în fața mea. Aștepți ca și eu să văd tot ce au văzut cei de ce au venit înaintea mea. Dar ochii mei și-au pierdut lumina. Prea mult timp a trecut de la ultima rază de soare ce mi-a mângâiat privirea, de la ultimul zâmbet ce mi-a încălzit sufletul, și astfel am aflat cum e sa vezi cu alți ochi. Ochi ce aud și ating, ochi pe care lumina și întunericul nu îi obosește. Ochi ce umbrele nu îi sperie, si sclipiriile nu îi rănesc. Ochi ce au învățat să privească un om, nu ce arată acesta.

Si acum acești ochi te privesc. Îți admiră masca perfect croită, și cu câtă grija ai aranjat fiecare parte a acesteia. Câtă grijă ai avut să te ascunzi, câtă grijă ai avut să îi îmbuni pe cei din jurul tau, fără să conteze ceea ce simți tu. Dar masca ta are nevoie de lumină ca să te ascundă. Ce te faci acum, cand prețioasa ta lumină nu iți mai conferă umbrele pe care atât de tare le îndrăgești? Ești vulnerabilă. Asta te sperie. Nu mai știi cum te văd cei din jurul tău și te sperii de ceea ce aș putea să văd eu.

Eu vad... Văd ai tăi ochi ce au plâns neîncetat, încă din ziua în care ți-ai clădit masca, și au împietrit într-un zâmbet forțat, din care se scurg neîncetat lacrimi, pe care cu atâta grija le topești înainte de a-ți uda lutul. Văd a ta frunte, încrețită de atâtea încruntări, cu pielea ei ridată ascunsă dupa straturi de ceară ce o fac să pară netedă și rece. Văd ale tale buze, înroșite de sângele ce singură ți-l-ai scurs din muscături de ură și tristețe, ce au suspinat atât de adânc încât și acum auzi ecoul lor, dar ele par atât de pasionale încât și cel mai cinstit om le-ar cădea pradă. Toate acestea eu le văd copilă, prin masca ta cu grijă construită, ce acum a început să se sfărâme sub degetele mele.

Ai început din nou să plângi, dar lacrimile tale au altă căldură și buzele tale suspină altfel. Ai văzut și tu că masca ta nu e perfectă, că toată strădania ta poate să fie atât de ușor dată la o parte, si te bucuri. Zâmbești copila, zâmbești pentru prima oară în prea mult timp: ochii s-au dezghețat și acum varsă lacrimi calde de bucurie, fruntea s-a destins și a lăsat loc părului tău minunat sa o acopere, iar buzele nu mai suspină, ci râd, râd cu o poftă nebună de viață. Acum vezi cât e frumoasă ești tu cu adevărat, dar încă te întrebi cine ești tu cu adevărat. Rămâi lângă mine și îți voi arăta nu cine ești, pentur că asta doar tu poți vedea, dar îți voi arăta cum sa vezi.